E13. Hospital Records

Page by page, the records turn into personal proof that what happened was real, that the struggle was seen, and that family denial doesn’t get the last word.
It’s a rare look at how child neglect can be described in official language, how systems attempt intervention, and how easily a kid can be framed as “difficult” when she is actually trying to survive.
If this conversation stays with you, share the episode with a friend so that more listeners can find the show. 

Special Thanks to our supporters, who have made this podcast possible.

• Lucy Mathews Heegaard: Audio Engineer 
  • with music via Epidemic Sound
• Terry Gydesen: Photographer

• Polly Kellogg
• Kate Tillotson
• Dawn Charbonneau
• Jacob Wyatt
• Molly Tillotson
• Julian Bowers
• Wendy Horowitz
• Pat Farrell
• Lynette Tabert
• Laura Jensen
• People's Farm Collective
• Deborah Copperud of "Spock Talk" podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:03

Welcome to the Sadie Green story about an older adult looking back on her abusive childhood. It's a conversation between Sadie and myself, Pam Colby, her longtime friend. We are exploring how early trauma can affect a lifetime. Thanks for joining us. Hi, Sadie.

SPEAKER_03 0:26

Hello there, Pam.

Validation Through Records And Notes

SPEAKER_02 0:27

We got a big episode today.

SPEAKER_03 0:30

We do. It is about records, documents, validation. Lots and lots of documents. We'll try and make it somewhat exciting.

SPEAKER_02 0:41

It is exciting to have that validation, and I'm excited to hear these documents.

SPEAKER_03 0:48

Yes, thank goodness, because family denial is so powerful. And without these records, it would be my word against hers. And that would undermine my own truth. I can doubt myself even now, even with all these records, over 200 pages. I'm just so glad I have them. And I'll start in chronological order with medical records from the University of Minnesota Hospital. I'll call that U of M, henceforth. Most of these hospital records are handwritten, except for some of the site notes. There's a stamp with my name and the date on each page and always on U of M letterhead. But because they are handwritten, sometimes they're difficult to read. And then there's a letter from my mother, the older letter I have from my mother, when she wrote to the hospital before I went in, and letters from the social worker that really helped me leave home. The first record I have is a clerk's note from U of M when I came in for surgery at the age of two and a half. And just for clarification, I want my friend Jacob to read the doctor notes.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

This is the third University of Minnesota hospital admission for this two and a half-year-old white female. Child was born with bilateral cleft lip and cleft palate. She was first seen in this hospital at one week of age, at which time rotation of heart murmur was also noted. Surgery was deferred for three weeks, and patient was maintained in local hospital on tube feedings. She was then admitted to this hospital on September 29th, 1955, at which time lip repair was performed. She had no complications and was discharged on October 12th. At home, she was fed with a dropper, Similac, for about one month and then began to eat from bottles. She had no difficulty with feeding, gained weight well, and was weaned at one year with no difficulty. She began to say words at about two years, but was very difficult to understand. However, in the past month, mother states that speech has improved a great deal, and she can understand most of what she says. Child is considered to be very healthy by mother. She was the product of normal pregnancy and spontaneous delivery. She sat up at four months, walked at one year. Nutrition eats all food from the table, no supplements.

SPEAKER_02 3:55

Yeah, and my mother took care of me. That's of course the biggest part of the story. Your mom was there for you. And you thrived.

SPEAKER_03 4:08

Yes, it sounds like I did. I have a few pages of when I came in at four years old for another surgery. And there's even more detail about how she cared for me.

SPEAKER_02 4:21

And of course, that you ate at the table. This is something your mother you grew in her body, she took care of you. She took all these precautions and getting you going and feeding you and all the careful tendering of a child who needed special attention. And she did it.

SPEAKER_03 4:41

Yeah, she did.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

And just for me, I have to wonder, did she resent that?

SPEAKER_03 4:46

She did.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

She resented having to do all that even though she Oh oh I don't know if she did when I was little. But later on, did she resent that she had done it?

SPEAKER_03 4:54

I was the third child, so she didn't I mean that's a lot these days, but she would go on to have nine altogether. Does make a difference, I'm sure. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 5:04

And what are we gonna hear next?

SPEAKER_03 5:07

Well, when I'm four years old in the notes, let's bring Jacob back.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

Historian is mother, reliable. Fifth University of Minnesota Hospital Admission. Here for surgical repair of palate. This four-year-old white female was born in Aitken, Minnesota. She was transferred to the University Hospital for repair of cleft lip and had her first operation at five weeks. Personal history. Patient is now adjusting quite well to siblings. Difficult at first, since she spent most of her first year in hospital. Since last operation, her speech has greatly improved, and this too has helped her adjustment. Social history. Father is a farmer. Patient is not covered by hospitalization insurance, and father is paying for this. He is buying the farm he now operates. Family is Protestant. Habits, a good color, toilet trained, no bizarre habits.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

Can we just acknowledge that's what you always have felt? Is that your father paying for these surgeries was part of your burden on them and part of the anger that was coming up?

SPEAKER_03 6:27

I do believe that.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

And also just that this really confirms that you were not in the home the first year. They said that you're adjusting to being with the siblings, but also the siblings would have to be adjusting to you. It'd be almost like a new baby coming home. With special needs. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 6:48

But there is an example at four years old, another example of how my mother was truly aware of me. In the neuromuscular skeletal section, my mother said she complains of left leg pain if she doesn't get plenty of bed rest. Has not done so for the last two months. It's such a tiny detail, but I'm comforted by that little detail. But now going back to the records here.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

No history of seizures. A good result has been attained surgically so far, and patient has tolerated all surgical procedures very well. Has had a steady weight gain, normal intellectual development, normal teeth development, accidents and injuries, none. Well-nourished, alert, active female who is in no acute distress. There is no contraindication for not continuing with her plastic surgery.

Social Worker Letter And Neglect

SPEAKER_03 7:57

That ends the narrative record of when I came for surgery at four years old. Next in chronological order is the court report, which we read in the last episode. Following the court order in my pile of documents here is a letter from the social worker. And before we get to that letter, just let me say I'm now 14. It had been at least three years now that I missed my annual appointments at the U of M. And my understanding is that the next big surgery was supposed to be when the rest of my face had matured, like at the age of 11 or 12, and I realize now how big an expense that would have been for them. And I wonder if that had some effect on discontinuing those appointments. But to continue with the social worker's letter. It's a long letter. So please bear with us.

SPEAKER_01 9:20

Regarding Susan Lasnick, born 823-55, was a patient at your hospital during her early childhood. Her parents will be contacting you soon to make an appointment for further testing and evaluation. There are definite problems in this situation we feel you should be aware of in planning for Susan's evaluation and possible treatment. Susan was born with a cleft lip and palate and did receive medical attention for this when young. There is still a need for further corrective surgery as her facial appearance does suffer from the scars remaining. Susan's parents are very uncooperative with the school nurse and welfare department when advised to have this surgery completed. As time passed, it became apparent that Susan was also developing other problems. She became very withdrawn and many times refused to attend school. She never revealed to anyone her reasons why she did not wish to go to school. When observed at school, she appeared to have very few friends. One day she was found by the school nurse hiding in a bathroom crying. She had been sent to school with just one of her father's shirts for apparel. The situation created problems at home where the parents had to devote much of their time to Susan while they had seven other children also. Susan refused to do anything in the home she did not wish to do. At times she would run away from home, usually to her grandmother's home. We received reports from relatives concerned that Susan was not receiving adequate treatment at home. Her parents admitted that she was stubborn and they were powerless to do anything with her, yet they denied that she was abused or mistreated. During the fall of 1968, as Susan's truancy problem increased, the parents were advised that Susan could perhaps receive help from the Northern Pines Mental Health Center in Little Falls. The parents were negative to this idea as they did not wish to become involved with the welfare department. They also refused to consult privately with Northern Pines. They remained quite uncooperative with further attempts by the welfare department to aid with their problems with Susan. In February 1969, because of the school's concern with her attendance and behavior, a complete psychological evaluation was recommended. It was administered by Dr. Robert Lerkey, PhD psychologist for Brainerd State Hospital. The report following the evaluation showed Susan to be brilliant, yet in need of further evaluation because of a suspected chromosome disorder, Turner's syndrome. A referral to the University of Minnesota Hospitals was recommended. A copy of this report is enclosed. Mr. Arlo Renschler, Director of Guidance, attempted follow-up on the recommendation to help the parents make arrangements for referral. The parents were again uncooperative and made it known they did not want the school interfering in their family life. Susan's school attendance worsened as her ninth year progressed. During the first three months of school in 1969, she was absent 28 days, 14 of these absences being unexcused. Her grades were near failing because of this. Counseling with Susan by the school counselors and the social worker did not break the barrier she had built around herself during the past years. Communication with her was limited mostly to a yes and no session. It was apparent that there would be no improvement in the situation as it remained because of Susan's psychological and physical problems. The parents continued to refuse evaluation. On January 30th, 1970, Mr. and Mrs. Laznick were found guilty in juvenile court of technical neglect. A complete mental and physical evaluation was ordered at the University of Minnesota hospitals. The parents still are not in agreement with the order and perhaps will be resistant in planning, although they realize it is now by order of the court. Susan does have great potential, which is now limited by her physical anomalies and her social withdrawal from the school and community. We hope that she will, in the future, have an opportunity to develop as the brilliant girl she is. Please advise us of the findings of the coming evaluation and of any consultation you feel may be necessary with the parents.

SPEAKER_02 13:35

Wow. That's an incredible letter and so validating. It really just puts it all in there. It's interesting to me that they're sort of like, I'm telling you this, but the parents don't know I'm telling you this. They're trying to liberate you, they're trying to get you out of there. Um, but there's there's resistance from your parents.

SPEAKER_03 13:56

She does write in the letter what my mother tells her.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

I'm stubborn, I'm I'm hiding clothes and I yeah, that really hits me hard because they've got all that from your mother, but then they have that one piece of evidence that you're in the bathroom and your father's shirt. That is really contradictory. But what you've said all along about your mother and clothes and everything, that she blamed it on the clothes again.

Mother’s Letter And Welfare Coverage

SPEAKER_03 14:19

I would love to know who those relatives were. I can guess, but it doesn't ever name them. So what do we got now, Sadie? The next thing chronological is a letter that my mother wrote to the hospital. It is the only thing I have that my mother wrote.

SPEAKER_02 14:40

And I'm looking at it here. It's marked social service, and but the handwritten letter is February 6, 1970. Dear Miss Baker, our daughter Susan was born 14 years ago with a hair lift and cleft palette. She is all done with her surgery except some remodeling of her nose. All this work was done at the University of Minnesota Hospital. I lost her admission plate and my purse some time back, and I never ordered a new card. I think her number was 888-000. For one that was correct. She had it in her head. For one reason and another, we have not been back since three years, June, I think. Sue always went down the first Wednesday in June. Susan has been having trouble in school, and both the school and welfare feel she should have extensive hormone tests, and that's because you're too small, right? Yes. And have plastic surgery on her nose done. I would be if it would be possible to make an appointment to have this done and to get a new card for Susan. Thank you. And it's signed by your mother. She has really nice handwriting. And did your brother have any education beyond did she graduate from high school?

SPEAKER_03 16:09

Ah, that is a good question. I don't know. Well, I suspect she did. My dad did.

SPEAKER_02 16:17

Okay. All right. But the letter is really validating that she's tracking, anyway. And then she's writing the letter to get the appointment.

Hospital Isolation And Body Shame

SPEAKER_03 16:25

Yeah, this is after the court order, correct. Oh, okay. Yes. Got it. So I have lots of paper. The next one is from Crowing County Welfare Department. Just informing the University of Minnesota that the Crowing County Welfare Department will be taking responsibility for the payment of the complete evaluation for Susan. And then here I am at the hospital. Let me read from the manuscript about my memory of first arriving at the hospital. My first room in the hospital was on the pediatric floor. Within my room, two beds stood formally side by side, but the bed I didn't sleep in was impeccably made up and always empty. I seldom left my room. When the nurse came in, she found me huddled in a corner, acting shell-shocked, I read later in the notes. Other than hospital staff, no one came to see me while I was there, and I rarely sought company with others. An old woman who came to visit a child in the room next door was an exception. Almost every afternoon, she sat in a chair in front of a loud television set, hooked to the wall above her head. When she beckoned me from the hallway and patted the empty chair beside her, I quickly sidled in and sat down. She tuned to Gilligan's Island, a shoal like any other that worked like a drug to entrance me. Clinging to the seat of my chair, I hung on every word the character spoke, every reflex, every funny blank expression. The old woman and I hardly spoke, but the thrill of watching television together made this new afternoon ritual tremendously exciting. The day I went next door as usual and realized she wasn't there, I didn't know what to do. I stood in the doorway of the empty room. There was no sign of her or the kid. How could this be? How could she disappear without a sound? Slowly I backed out of their room and walked dumbly into mine. I sat on the side of my bed to wait for supper trays to come. The hospital was a foreign place again. During my wait, I watched my hands bunch and unbunch in my lap and realized that, like home, there is nothing you can hold that can't be taken from you. This hospital was a university, teaching hospital, so doctors rarely visited patients alone, but made their rounds in groups. Sometimes a dozen white coats, in various lengths, filed inside a patient's room. Usually an older man was in charge, explaining details to the others in long, odd-sounding words, while pointing at and poking various body parts of the patient. For my complete physical examination, I was escorted to a different room. Told to undress down to my underpants, I was then asked to lie down on a high, stainless steel table that had a sheet underneath me, but no mattress. I was painfully self-conscious to be seen that way. Not just because my nakedness was shameful, but also because my underpants were old and worn. All-consuming shame was the only thing I was aware of when the room filled up with doctors, each of them fully dressed, in ties and clean white doctor coats. I'm sure they said kind words to me. They also exclaimed about the bruises and made indentations with their thumbs, up and down my shins. They pinched my upper arms and my thighs, taking notes I couldn't see. The man in charge kept asking questions to the short-coated ones, in words I did not understand. The metal table was cold through the thin sheet, so I imagined myself looking down at them from a glass window in the ceiling. They looked through lighted instruments into my nostrils, poked inside my mouth, and had me bite down on flat popsicle sticks. The question asked of me directly was if I'd ever taken pills for bruising easy. I shook my head. I wanted to spit on them and slap their faces. I wanted to burst into tears and ran away. Instead, I laid still like a life-sized rubber doll, aware only of my burning shame.

Debrief On Rage Shame And Goodbye

SPEAKER_02 21:17

Okay, well, we're gonna interrupt the story here just to debrief a little bit. First of all, listening to it, I'm wondering, as you're watching Gilligan's Island, had you ever seen TV before? I had seen TV, but we didn't own one, so it was very rare. And that just that image of you watching Gilligan's Island, which is Oh, it was so fascinating.

SPEAKER_03 21:40

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 21:41

So you really enjoyed it. Oh, and it would have had the laugh track and the cover. Oh, it was so great. Yeah, it was I loved it. I just loved it. That's a wonderful image to think about. Then the next thing the doctors in their suits and white coats, and you and your not so fancy. Underpants thinking how vulnerable you are. And just in all your stories from being at home and in the woods and everything, I've never felt rage before. But now you reading this, I feel internally like you're so angry.

SPEAKER_03 22:19

They were probably far nicer than I remember. But I was so ashamed. I was just a raging shame, is what it is. It's just I want to hide. I want to be invisible. I want them to stop.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

And what's worse for someone who wants to be invisible, but these people studying you like you're a specimen.

SPEAKER_03 22:40

Yeah, which was their job.

SPEAKER_02 22:42

But yes, it was And also the bruises that they're studying your bruises. Yes. They don't just believe they came to you like bruises come to people.

SPEAKER_03 22:51

Yeah, they thought I bruised easily, which is why they would pinch me.

SPEAKER_02 22:55

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 22:56

I suppose. Yeah. Wow. It's possible I didn't speak. Maybe I can even respond. I you know, I just felt so separate, so or different, I suppose. But that's probably all we should say today. I do want to thank you, Pam, and podcast friends, for listening and hanging in with me all this time.

SPEAKER_02 23:23

Thank you for sharing, Sadie.

SPEAKER_03 23:25

I appreciate you.

SPEAKER_02 23:27

I appreciate you. Bye for now.